Welcome to my world - The world of Tish

Tuesday, December 28, 2004

Informercial-aholics Unite!

God grant me the serenity to accept the 30 day guarantee; the courage to bid for it on Ebay; and the wisdom to wait until it hits Target or WalGreens.

Folding clothes can be the death of you. Maybe not death, but a deadly addiction can spring from the simple act of tri-folding towels.

A large woman named Jane on the television wrings her hands, pleading for someone to help her lose the weight that has kept all of her dreams come true. No prom, no dates, no one to write 'See you next year' in the yearbook...and she's holding a poodle scared for his life.

You're hooked.

Another victim of a slow metabolism shares his painful story of buttons popping from his pants during a business meeting. Charles' wife, kids, dogs, and mailman have all but left him because of the protruding pot belly. If he doesn't lose this weight, he can't see why life is worth living.

Sympathy pours from the hosts, a trim woman and muscular man. Bambi confesses to OH NO! saddlebags and cellulite which cost her the Miss Hawaiian Bikini Wax pageant. Her shame is written all over her California tanned face.

Her co-host, Mitch, stares at her chest for a moment and then delivers the final message. Tears never actually fall, but you can see them glisten as a hidden video of Mitch is played: a 400 pound man sits on a couch, potato chips decorating his thread bare t-shirt. In one hand he holds a Hershey's chocolate syrup bottle, the other a box of twinkies from 1988.

"God, I was so pathetic." Mitch crumbles into Bambi's arms and for one moment, he appears to nuzzle.

In the next nanosecond, their faces light with sparkling teeth and cosmetically enhanced dimples. They just so happen to have something that changed their lives and will yours, for a low introductory price to be discussed later in the show. The ButtAbLeg-O-Master is guaranteed to lift, sculpt, tone, trim, strengthen, lengthen, shrink, and harden your body in as little as 3 MINUTES A DAY!

Bambi coos. "What's three minutes? It takes me longer than that to brush my teeth."

Mitch agrees. "It can't get much easier than this. Every hour has at least three minutes in it, right?"

Before and after photos of Jane take your breath away. Her before photo resembled a tent with a clown face at the top but Wow, the after photo even makes Bambi look pudgy. Jane strolls out to show off her new body wearing a paper napkin for a bikini.

"I can't believe this is me!" She gushes as Bambi guides her off stage.

Charles struts out, grabs Bambi and proceeds to dip her into a full mouth kiss. Mitch, taken aback for a moment, pulls them apart and heartily pats Charles on the back

"You must be thrilled to lose what? 200 pounds?"

Charles puffs up with pride. "I'm a lean, mean, love machine, Mitch. Just ask Bambi."

Instead of changing the channel, you make the ultimate mistake and write down the number. Maybe you hesitate a moment until the before and after photos drift across the screen of Jane and Charles.

And like that, you are the next dupe in a long line of Informercialholics. There aren't meetings for people like us. We live in the dark of our homes, waiting for Daisy Fuentes' promises of a better body or Suzanne Somers next thigh invention. We stand in line at UPS waiting for this Godsend that will change our lives. And for two days, they do. Until the soreness, boredom, or fourth screw comes loose and you can't read the warranty. Then what God sent as the answer to your prayers becomes another place to hang clothes. Or drape towels.
See what laundry can do to you??

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