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Monday, December 13, 2004

Questions for God, Part I

My son asked me today why dogs couldn't talk like we do. I told him that's not how God made dogs and when he asked why, I didn't have an answer. I do, however, have my own list of questions to ask the Big Man upstairs.

Why did you give women the ability to grow mustaches? I think this had to a joke. Maybe one of the angels tinkered with Eve as a joke. But it's not funny, Gabriel or Michael.

Why did you invent wrinkles? I know Estee Lauder is happy you added this to the mix of life, but as a woman, I don't see the benefit.

What purpose does cellulite serve? When You were making man and woman, I wish you would have just put extra muscles on the sides of our hips or on our rears. This dimpling flesh has no positive impact on mankind.

What happens to the socks in the dryer? I know, it's a trivial question, but I cannot for the life of me wash 10 socks and have all ten return from the dryer. Does Satan sneak in through the lint trap just to mess with us?

When you go to Heaven, can you pick the color of your halo? Wing size? I'd like to think of Heaven's apparel district as custom fit/original designs only. I'd hate to be walking down the streets of gold and see someone else wearing my toga and halo.

Finally, why can't dogs and cats talk? My guess is that they would be harder to quiet down, but it would be interesting to hear what my mastiff, lab, and new half-breed puppy thinks about the world.

When I was younger, I thought of asking God what happened to Marilyn Monroe, who shot JFK, where is the treasure Captain Hook searched for...and now I just want to know if tomorrow will be a better day.


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