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Friday, January 14, 2005

Diarrhea - the great Equalizer, Part Deux

Houston, we have a problem.

The boy returned to school Thursday, paler than before but without uncontrollable outputs from either end. When I say pale, I mean that my son would be classified as "clear" in the world of skin colors. Maybe I accidentally drank some sunscreen while pregnant with him, but the boy can't tan or burn. He just stays the same translucent color...there's a movie about this somewhere.

Thursday night was SUPPOSED to be a girls' night out for me. My best pals in town at Chilis with drink specials, yea, that's a nice reprieve from potty duty, right? And then your husband utters those five words in the formerly adorable baby voice:

I don't feel so good.

In the eleven years I've known him, he's vomited maybe three times. Reminds me of that Seinfeld episode except that I don't have Elaine's hair (and I've tried, believe me!) Once was bad crawfish. That would make the Sphinx throw up, I kid you not.

Of course I cancelled my night out, what do you take me for? My maternal instincts, although slightly worn, went into high gear again. Washcloths, 7Up, and crackers were my treatment along with the veiled threat of a phenegran suppository. When in doubt, mention a suppository and men turn into jelly. Lucky for us he was able to keep the tablet version down or else...well, it wouldn't have been on our highlight reels for the 25th anniversary party.

There's an obscure Murphy's law that states when in a time crunch, the next shoe will drop directly on your head. At exactly 2:45, my daughter's school called...what did I tell you? The nurse detailed exactly what I had predicted sans the vomit - thank you, babe, for saving that for me. Oh the drama! The absolute tragedy of it all! She had the entire office on their knees praying for her speedy recovery.
When I remarked it was just a bug, I met with icy stares.
"That is more than a bug. She is very ill." Or my favorite, "I've never seen a child so sick in all my life."
Stick around then, because you can bet there will be a repeat performance in the third, fourth and fifth grades.

The bug man came by to spray and I waved him away from the door. Maybe I should hang a flag outside, like some reverse Passover sign so all will stay away from this infected home.

So far, I am symptom free and plan to stay so until all are well enough to care for me.
My daughter's not the only one with the dramatic flair. She learned from the best!


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