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Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Diarrhea - the great Equalizer

For the last twelve hours, our home has been invaded by the most deadliest microbe seen this side of the Mississippi - the Rhotovirus. At this point in time, only the four year old seems to be the only victim. You know that can and will change at any given moment. I expect a call from the school before lunch detailing my Drama Diva in Training's one act play entitled: "I Don't Feel Good". Critics would rave at her performance if they weren't splattered with vomit, I am sure.

I am what you call a sympathy vomiter and have been all of my life. Someone could gag in a 15 feet radius and UGH, there I go. But when the kids were born, some genetic mutation occurred, giving me the ability to witness, encourage, and be covered in their projectile emissions. There's a by-law somewhere that states for every four slobbery kisses you receive, two upchucks must be accepted. For every warm after-bath hug, three minutes of 'Running scours' potty duty are mandated. Hey, I didn't make the rules, just keeping it real here.

Three years ago, my husband found my in the laundry room floor performing my interpretation of Three Stooges' Curly with the Rhotovirus. Imagine a grown woman spinning in a circle while trying not to vomit or soil herself, and you've got the makings of the grand prize winner for America's Funniest Home Videos.

No matter how famous, beautiful, rich, powerful, short, tall, fat, or thin, diarrhea levels the playing field. Add nausea, the world is on even keel. Just knowing that Julia Roberts, Bill Gates, and even Oprah Winfrey all have and will experience this common suffering makes me feel better about my place in the world. For more information and a detailed account of an entire family's miserable excursion into the world of loose bowels, see Phil at www.brainbullets.net. His accurate portrayal of suffering is worth a read, but wear a mask as I think we were infected via the internet by him.

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