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Thursday, January 06, 2005

Embarressing Moment #178

This is for Sarcastic Journalist since she shared a painfully honest story about her husband on her blog.

This really happened, there are witnesses that ask for their identities to remain anonymous.

Again, this is not a joke.

Well, on me it is, but not on you.

The year is 1993 and I am sitting in the Denver Airport. Halfway through my three month Dr. Pepper boycott, I was now addicted to tea, water, and beer. Since it wouldn't be kosher to meet my clinical instructor drunk, I opt for a quart of Evian. First, I blame John Grisham because I was trying to finish one of his novels when they announced last call for seating. Someone told me it would only be an hour to Bismark, North Dakota's airport so I don't blink an eye when finishing the QUART of Evian while finishing the Grisham (damn you, lawyer boy)

The airplane seats 18 in two rows. Across the aisle, a Chinese woman immediately falls asleep. Behind me, grandparents are discussing their grandchild's birthday party. So as we take off, a gentle vibration builds to a rhythmic rocking of my seat. Great, I'm sitting on the engine.

Wait, I'm sitting on the engine AND I need to use the bathroom. In front of me hangs a velvet curtain housing two prepubescent pilots. They laugh when I ask about a bathroom and offer a Big Gulp cup to use IN FRONT OF THEM.

No thanks, pervs. My off handed comment was overheard by Pilot #2, the owner of the big Gulp.

"We've got at least 2 more hours, lady."

2 more hours??? Okay, breathe. My kidneys begin to throb but maybe if I turn the light off and try to sleep....no, not working. Should I go for the Big Gulp? My decision is made from the flatulance sounds and laughter coming out of the 'cockpit'.
I scan my environment: Chinese lady is asleep, good sign. Grandparents are reading AARP or something of the sorts, good sign. The rest of the passengers are either asleep or reading so I may have a game plan here.
Grandpa agreed to shield the aisle view for me, but giggled when I explained my situation.
As I drop my carefully pressed trousers and place the sick bag in place to relieve myself, CHINESE LADY WAKES UP!!!
Excuses and apologies fly out of my mouth but she doesn't speak English. She either said "You are a disgusting Mongrel" or "I find you to be revolting".
Even with that, I didn't stop. I filled that sick bag to the top, double bagged it as any medical professional would, and tied it with a rubber band Grandma offered between fits of laughter.

I can't go to Utah because of the Mormon incident, and now I've created an international brouhaha with my public urination. I guess I'll never be an ambassador.

Are you happy now, Sarcastic Journalist? Hope so. Now I am officially humiliated for your amusement. Glad to be of service.



4 Comments:

  • Well, at least you didn't get drunk and end up taking a dump on a food cart. See, there's always someone else out there who did something more embarrassing than you.

    By Blogger Phil, at 10:37 AM  

  • I'm not touching that one, Phil.
    Sarcastic Journalist asked how the hell I pissed in a bag - well, if you can pelvic tilt forward while crouching, you can pretty much aim in any direction. It's a talent, I guess, but not one that I can use on a book tour. Or at a PTA meeting, either.

    By Blogger Tisha from Texas, at 10:36 PM  

  • o.m.g That's hilarious! I have enough trouble with a compulsive need to go to the bathroom before boarding a commercial plane. I'd never make it on a bathroom-less plane.

    By Blogger Busy Mom, at 10:39 AM  

  • HOLY SHIT! Or...holy pee, whatever. First of all, who ever heard of a plane with no bathroom? I thought the last time one of those existed, it was flown by the Wright brothers. Second--I could have been seconds from having a bladder implosion but would never have been able to pee in that bag. Once, a urologist tried to get me to pee into a diaper under an x-ray machine, so he could tell if my bladder was emptying completely (I was having a frequent pee issue and he was trying to figure out why). I could not go on that goddamn examining table no matter what. I drank a boatload of water, and my bladder felt like it was going to burst, I had to go so bad. It was painful. I sat there forever, and finally everyone (doctor, nurses, etc.) just gave up. I could not go into that diaper. So I'm pretty sure a bag would have been impossible. Points to you for being able to do what was necessary.

    But still--HOLY SHIT!

    By Blogger karla, at 11:15 PM  

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