Welcome to my world - The world of Tish

Monday, January 17, 2005

Four Uncles and A Straight Jacket

Apart from the kleptomaniac great-grandmother, you'd think I would have a normal family, right? Of course not. There would be no point in blogging or spending thousands of dollars on Electro-Convulsive Therapy if I had a functional family. Dang, these electrodes are itching again. The thing is to shower BEFORE you have a session, yea, that's the ticket.

Okay, without further ado, I introduce Uncle Number One - LuLu.

For the fans and readers of www.Southernhumorists.com, you have read about my Uncle LuLu. He fears bacteria and since bath towels can never be void of bacteria, he dries off with only paper towels. The man has an affinity to electricity - not the theory of it, but the FEEL of it. Once he grabbed 220 volts after spitting on his hands just to see if it was live. At the age of 62, he had all of the fillings removed from his mouth because he considered them poisonous. Flouride is also poison, so my children are constantly whispering about Uncle LuLu's black teeth. His diet consists of raw garlic and onions, eaten like apples in large crowds of people, and special water he has re-oxygenated with a contraption using an old water heater, copper tubing, and if I am not mistaken, three new condoms. Don't quote me on that. Lulu has a Howdy Doody suitcase full of his papers for filing lawsuits against the county, the state, and one of his brothers. He was discharged from the army because he refused to wear boots and went AWOL from day one. Like Rainman, LuLu can count cards and solve mathematical equations similar to the "Good Will Hunting" character. He wears flip flops with socks, his wallet on a four foot chain, and loves to bargain at garage sales. Aliens kidnapped him long ago because 'They knew my brainwaves were different than most humans." He also is an avid listener of the "Remote Viewers" and believes we will all live underground one day.
Women seem to love him. One woman sat in his Vista Cruiser with 24 guineas chirping and pooping in the backseat FOR THREE HOURS. Not the brightest crayon in the box. He filed divorce papers on another woman because he wasn't sure if they were married but he definitely wanted a divorce.
As a young man, LuLu would bail hay with the rest of his brothers. One particular afternoon, he jumped off of the truck and began banging his head while running in a circle. My father thought his brother had had a sun stroke but after three minutes of this, LuLu returned to the truck. "Bug in my ear."

I wish I could tell you more, but my appointment is in fifteen minutes and today I get a new leather strap to bite down on - cherry flavored! Next time, the Bible Thumper Uncle. Until then, remember you can't pick your family, but you can choose a higher dosage.

1 Comments:

  • Hey,hey,hey(cue Fat Albert voice, which I impersonate very well, according to my daughter).... All these rememberings about family caused a few to crawl to the surface of my consciousness. I did post the one about fishing and Grampa Joe. More to follow. I always thought only my family was strange, nice to know that the rest of the worlds we share are just as strange.

    By Blogger ddddddddddddddddddddd, at 8:02 PM  

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