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Sunday, January 16, 2005

A Kleptomaniacs Tale

Since I was small, my great grandmother was mean. Not mean like "Mommie Dearest" mean, no I'm talking about green-eyed snake mean. That kind of mean that bubbles under the surface of a diminutive woman, seemingly sweet in nature...and then the fangs appear and you're caught in her web.

She stole - not borrowed, not accidentally misplaced, she stole. Once she gave my parents a picture frame large enough to place over a couch. After her visit from California, my father searched the house for missing items. Then he realized that the picture was gone...and behind the couch was the faux artwork sans the frame. She took the frame back.

Another time, she stayed two weeks at her daughter's home. Repacking for anyone is a bitch, so when she asked to borrow an extra suitcase, it was understandable, until three weeks later it was discovered the four afghans she had given to her daughter were gone. When questioned about it, she replied, "You weren't using them."

I hope a picture is forming in your head because now the stories get better.

When my mother was in high school, the big thing was the Senior Tea for mothers and daughters. Try as she may, my grandmother couldn't find her partial plate so she was forced to attend a milestone moment without her teeth. She used a hankey to hide the missing teeth. My poor mom. Anyway, three years later the teeth were found in GREAT GRANDMOTHER'S STASH - she claimed they were hers even though SHE DIDN'T HAVE A PARTIAL PLATE.

This isn't dementia, ladies and gentlemen, this is meanness in the purest form.

On another visit, she spotted one of those statues of a little boy pointing at something...and of course, after her departure it was gone. Ten years and two moves later, it showed up in her backyard. Somehow, this 98 pound woman was able to stow the 50 pound item in her trunk. Again, her excuse was: "You weren't using it."

In my early twenties, I had the pleasure of patting Grandma down at the end of each visit. Loose change, pocket knives, even a teacup could be found on her person. She knew to stick with the small things, I'll give her that.

Did I mention she was cheap? She gave me ten dollars to fetch her sherry - a nightly ritual- too bad it cost fifteen. The next day she complained that I didn't return her change.
She charged her own grandson thirty dollars a month to do laundry at her house. She hoarded her Dr. Peppers like gold bouillion. She married four men, all died mysteriously. One man lived after the divorce, so she remarried him. Dead this time.

So when your great grandmother hugs you tightly, or compliments you silver, or gives you a
an antique tablecloth, take my advice. Pat her down, hide your valuables, and if you are lucky, the most she'll get away with is your toenail clippers.

PS Great grandmother died at age 97. I attribute her long life to sherry, Dr. Pepper, and kleptomania.

3 Comments:

  • Hilarious story! My grandmother wasn't as bad as your great grand, but she did have sticky fingers occasionally. She quit smoking at the age of 75 (had been smoking for 50 years) and every time she came to visit, she'd take my cigarettes out of my purse. I'd leave my mom's house (where she stayed when visiting) and drive away, only to find that my entire pack, including lighter, was missing.

    -KellyLove
    http://www.microfamous.blogspot.com/

    By Blogger Kelly Love, at 10:36 AM  

  • This site is cool check it out if you want www.movierate.blogspot.com

    By Blogger Daniel, at 9:39 PM  

  • She's watching all of us right now, drinking Dr. Pepper and stealing ArchAngel Gabriel blind.

    By Blogger Tisha from Texas, at 3:06 PM  

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