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Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Heaven's not happy right now

Sunday afternoons are made for movie rentals. Whether it’s comedy, horror, drama, or action, our local video store provides us with unlimited choices. While I am standing in the short line to rent King Arthur, an interesting display catches my eye.

Get your Passion of the Christ today!
Girls Gone Wild 3 available now!

Something isn’t right here. How does the Son of God’s ultimate sacrifice get paired up with drunken college nymphettes showcasing their boobs?
Jesus has got to be cringing while hanging out at Heaven’s Starbucks.
“I’d have settled for a Spielberg film over this. Dad’s not gonna be happy about this,” Jesus complains. Gabriel gives the Savior a cookie to go with his latte for sympathy.

While this scenario plays out in my mind, a dwarfish man in front of me points at the sign. “Gimme one of those.” He waves off the offered Passion of the Christ. “No, the tittie movie, man.” There’s a man with frequent flyer miles straight to Hell.

A small sign points to a door behind the new releases, leading adult customers to Porn Heaven. Funny how the customers that enter that door hardly make eye contact with anyone. Fortunately for them, their selections are delivered to the front counter so other patrons aren’t subjected to video covers depicting women wearing French maid uniforms bent over a car hood while licking three men at the same time. Try explaining that to a five year old when you are holding Garfield the Movie.

It’s not that I hate porn…well, I do hate it but it’s not up to me what is rented or offered to the public. Having the crucifixion of Christ advertised along with breast implants as a side dish seems beyond distasteful, don’t you think? What’s next? Dildos and teething rings? Condoms and pacifiers? There has to be some semblance of propriety otherwise we will see combinations like this:

Rent Muppets Take Manhattan and get Basic Instinct for FREE!
Purchase a pre-viewed Spiderman and take Facials R Us home today!
Two for Tuesday: Baby Geniuses Two and Large Penises, Too!
Toy Story and Cum Shots with purchase of church raffle tickets!

Trips to Blockbuster could become sex education classes. ID will be required to enter the doors of your local Movie Gallery. Disney classics like Bambi and Cinderella will now compete against their counterparts Bambi does the whole forest and Cinder-lick-a-fella. Disney, in turn, could put their Pixar studios to good use for a whole new line of films. Imagine Barbie doing Ken while Nemo swims around them and Mr. Potato Head plays the voyeur in the corner. We can finally see what Mickey and Minnie Mouse look like naked. And don’t forget, Goofy and Pluto’s new Xrated live action flick costarring Snoop Dogg in “Doggy Style” featuring Jenna Jameson taking it from both of Disney’s finest creations.

This is the price we pay for a free society and while I wouldn’t want to live anywhere else, I can’t help but long for the days when Kangaroo Jack isn’t packaged with Jacked Off Part 3. Or worse, Snow White and Debbie Does Dallas. God help us all then.
This is on ritro.com as a member submission. One of my close internet buddies said to be careful using Jesus in this essay so as not to disrespect Him. That is not my intent nor my purpose in writing this piece. I apologize if I offend anyone with it, it's meant as an observation on life in 2005.
Tish, the management


  • test

    By Blogger Tisha from Texas, at 10:34 AM  

  • so, where should I comment?


    By Blogger Charlie on the PA Turnpike, at 10:55 AM  

  • Fun post!

    I always figured that God made the girls, too, and wouldn't mind so much that they like to play around.

    But putting them on the same sign is a little bit much (and seems somebody at the video store had a sense of humor)

    In my town you cannot rent or buy "adult" titles, so we don't have the back room phenomenon.

    By Blogger Silly Old Bear, at 11:34 AM  

  • You're ranting.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 9:43 AM  

  • I found your site extremly good reading.
    As for this current post- at movie stores, we can Thank our 5 Gods sitting on the Supreme Court for deciding that porn is free speech- not sure how showing men and women doing like Cinder-Lick a Fella is speech or art, but then again it was the same court that gave us new laws- with even bothering to check the Constituion about the process.

    In an earlier post I do have a question:
    Did that really happen to you at Quiznos? If the guy was trying to serve you a sandwhich must of had a real hard time keeping a straight face after that "with katchep or with out mam"?....

    By Blogger ikw3804, at 11:35 AM  

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