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Saturday, March 26, 2005

Never Say Never

My mother's favorite phrase behind "I hope you have a daughter just like you" was "Never say never." It's only after 35 years of living that I can dispute this adage.

Sure, there are some situations that validate my Mom, like:

*never say you won't cut your hair short when you get older, because we all do.
*never promise to call a guy/girl the next day you meet at a bar, especially if you meet them AFTER the beer goggles are applied after midnight.
*never condemn someone for wearing white before Memorial Day or after Labor Day, because sometimes white shoes are all your kid has to wear after a growth spurt.
*never say 'be true to your roots' because one day your hair will be highlighted/streaked/bleached.
*never say 'my kids won't act like that' because karmic forces will ensure that not only will they embarress you at Applebee's but you can bet your preacher will be there to witness it.


Still, there are times when you can say "Never" with the assurance that your vow is to the death.

*I will NEVER eat split pea soup and then travel with five other adults in a motorhome with one bathroom.
*I will NEVER give permanent markers to anyone under the age of 20.
*I will NEVER wear a red shirt and khaki pants while shopping at Target. NO, I DO NOT WORK HERE. NO, I DO NOT KNOW IF THAT IS ON SALE.
*I will NEVER get another home permanent EVER. Think Rosana Rosana Danna. All while in the seventh grade, mind you. This scars you for life.
*I will NEVER listen to another AMWAY cassette tape again. AGAINST PENALTY OF DEATH!
*I will NEVER sit next to a person that admits to eating a whole pot of beans for a three hour meeting. It's not that funny, really.
*I will NEVER ask a sales associate a question if I witness him pick his/her nose while staring at the flourescent lights.

"Never" is a funny word. Eternal decisions and promises hinge on that one word, so I propose adding 'Maybe' as the loophole. I'll 'maybe never' eat escargot again while on a cruiseship.
The chances that A) I will go on another cruise and B) that I would EVER order snails again are infintesimal, but I didn't go as far as saying NEVER.

Saying 'maybe never' is the prenuptual agreement of declarative statements. You can substitute 'might' or 'possibly' but the essence is the same. It's an escape plan when never is just too strong of a committment to make, but you need more than the general 'maybe'.

I might never allow my son to get a motorcycle/tattoo/nose ring. See, I'm not tempting fate while making my opinion known.

One thing's for sure, whatever you declare is a never in your life, will come back and bite you on the butt. I'm living proof of this.

7 Comments:

  • Well, your mother is a wise one - "never condemn someone for wearing white before Memorial Day or after Labor Day, because sometimes white shoes are all your kid has to wear after a growth spurt". I will include this in my next class syllabus.

    By Blogger ClaudBLOG, at 3:46 PM  

  • Excellent post. Never say never is a motto I've grown to know and love.

    How's the contest going? It looks like you are in the lead with the polls...

    By Blogger Janet, at 5:52 PM  

  • Never say never will come back and bite you every time...I no longer say it for I learned the difficult way my last one to come back and bite me was the BIG one....leaving my home town and saying I'll never move back here well guess what I am back here in the same house I grew up in 30 years later taking care of my mom.

    Good luck with the contest. You are the one Ivote for of course.

    By Blogger Ms. Vickie, at 8:53 PM  

  • I voted for you as well--good luck with that.

    The one that got me was the tattoo one. I told my children no under the age of 18-I'm not signing for a tattoo, I'm not signing for military service-my son joined on his 18th birthday and got a tattoo symbolizing his hometown. Still, he can "never" say it's because I signed when he was too young to know the difference.
    Great writing again, Tish-I really enjoy your stories!

    By Blogger Monica, at 11:50 AM  

  • I LOVE U
    I MISS U
    I MNEED U
    I THINK ABOUT U
    ALL TIME
    KISS
    IAN

    By Blogger Ian-Ivy du Bois, at 1:37 PM  

  • "Beer Googles?"

    Maybe, "beer goggles?"

    Nah, not nit-pickin'. Thanks for your comment on my embarassment at posting an unedited chapter from a possible book.

    As you (and only a few others) know, the only reason I HAVE a blog is Lantz. And Lantz is always saying that EVERYTHING on the blog must be "well crafted" so that if a prospective publishing house editor takes a look to check out my writing style, the blog will present a picture of a compulsive writer who is careful to use the right words, knows the language, avoids amateur mistakes, etc.

    I got in a hurry and put up something I wasn't very happy with. I'll try not to do that again.

    By Blogger Duke_of_Earle, at 4:33 PM  

  • Thanks, Duke, I corrected the google error. It helps to have a second pair of eyes for mistakes like that. Too bad my second grader can't/won't proofread my blog, huh?

    By Blogger Tisha from Texas, at 5:06 PM  

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