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Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Santa, Viagra, and Strobe Lights

It's the attack of the killer Chihuahuas again. Upon entering the patient's room, I was greeted by a strong dog poo 'stank' that could have been produced by my English Mastiff but was surprisingly created by two Chihuahua dog-like creatures. As the patient and I argued about how far he would walk for me, one of the dogs growled at me. "I have shoes bigger than you," I think and push him off of the bed.

"Might wanna watch out for that one." Patient says between spitting tobacco juice in a Strawberry Bama Jelly jar. "He done took one of my Viagree pills this morning."

First, what are you doing with Viagra, Patient man? You don't even like getting out of the chair, I can't see you getting 'up' for anything more strenuous. As this and other questions are swirling in my mind, I feel something on my leg.

It was the dog, humping my leg like an 18 year old boy at the Playboy Mansion. Three violent leg shakes and a gentle punt across the room, I was able to free myself from the horny beast. Good to know that Viagra is a cross breed drug.

Patient finally agrees to walk with me. He caps off the Bama jar and that's when I see it - a small green box with a color picture of a Santa figurine - WITHOUT PANTS AND RUBBING HIS ENLARGED PENIS! Black captions reading "His hands move up and down!" and "Watch Santa shake his ass!" decorate the box. Ugh. Double ugh. Patient notices my stare and giggles.

"You wanna see my Santa?" At this point, I don't know if he means the Santa in the box or his 'personal Santa'. Triple ugh.

And now we have reached the Strobe Light Fiasco.

Brace yourself, it's been Tished for your reading pleasure. Remember, do not try this at home.

I love to garage sale. There's no telling what you will find digging through someone else's junk, you know? Lucky for me I found a strobe light for five bucks and three bookcases for ten at a Christian Church yard sale. I know, strobe light....Christian Church? I don't see the connection either, but who am I to question?
My daughter had a solar system project due on a Friday. We decided to incorporate the strobe light for movement effect. Thursday night, I figure we should break in the strobe light in the best, most effective way.

Sex with a strobe light has an otherworld effect on your senses.
You forget about your surroundings.
You forget that your bedroom window faces a very busy street.
You forget that your miniblinds are cheap and have a teensy weensy crack in them.

But your nosy neighbor doesn't forget ANYTHING and decides that there is something fishy going on at that house on the corner.

"Officer, I think I heard a scream. And those children didn't play outside today with their monster dogs. Could there be a problem because that's why I called you, I was afraid that family in that house was in trouble............" If you are a Boston Legal fan, then you are already picturing Betty White's character.

Our doorbell doesn't work, never has. We use the side door for all entrances into this house as it faces the driveway. Here's a tip - don't startle a police officer from another entrance. It doesn't go over well. Five of the most embarressing minutes of my life were explaining not why we didn't answer the door, but why a flashing light could be seen in our bedroom. I'll put money that he invested in a strobe light the next day, what do you think?

The End

PS Yes, we still have the strobe light. Yes, she still used it for the solar system project but didn't win any medals. Not even an Honorable Mention. I blame the neighbor - she soiled the strobe light.

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