Welcome to my world - The world of Tish

Saturday, April 02, 2005

Dear Mr. Umpire,

I noticed you were having difficulty during the four softball games you officiated for my daughter's team today. Since I didn't have the opportunity to smell your breath or perform a breathalizer, it will never be known if you were drunker than Cooter Brown. It's doubtful the ASA test for drug use amongst the umpires, so we will again never know if you were stoned out of your gourd.

Let's just say for the benefit of the doubt you were neither intoxicated nor high on illegal substances. And let's just say for argument's sake that you are an actual official, not just some bum off the street promised a hot meal and bed for calling all four games.

Did you not hear my repeated suggestions on how to pull your head out of your ass?

Did you not get the point of my booing and hissing in your general vicinity?

Did you not take the hint that an entire teams' parent section was less than happy with your pitiful excuses for officiating?

Let me provide for you some hints that will not only improve your officiating, but might save your life someday. Literally.

Image hosted by Photobucket.com Instead of relying on your piss poor vision, we will generously donate to the vision center of your choice. It must be hell to go through life not seeing what is really there or worse, imagining things that don't exist.

Image hosted by Photobucket.com In this book, you will find the definitions of FOUL BALL, BASELINES, and SAFE. Please read and memorize each word and its usage before your next game.

Image hosted by Photobucket.com When in doubt, please consult the official rulebook for say, AGE REQUIREMENTS. It's a safe bet that the 7-8 year old bracket will not have fully developed women on their teams. When I say fully developed, if they are wearing a bra and fill it out, they are probably too old.

Image hosted by Photobucket.com
If all else fails, one of these can be supplied for you. We will be happy to escort you off of the field so you can feed the dog after the game.

Please take this letter in the spirit it was written and realize that we all want the same thing: equitable treatment for each and every team.

Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter.


  • I'm sure when he reads the braille printout of your blog entry, he will hit himself on the head with his walking cane. Go on, girl.

    By Blogger ClaudBLOG, at 10:49 PM  

  • Oh that was hilarious. What a great way to tell him about it, too.

    By Blogger Monica, at 1:20 AM  

  • I umpired a little league game once....and only once...thought my life was gonna end prematurely! Guess I should be really glad it wasn't it Texas!

    By Blogger The Ugly American, at 6:44 AM  

  • Mornin' darlin' I tagged this post in my mornin' post. Luvs ya....

    And do I have a challenge for you and your readers, check it out....

    By Blogger ddddddddddddddddddddd, at 10:15 AM  

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