Welcome to my world - The world of Tish

Friday, April 29, 2005

Horny? Grab a Snickers.

Snickers bars, they seem so innocent, don't they? All those roasted peanuts drowning in caramel and then drenched in milk chocolate - what could be wrong with that?

Let me take you on a journey to 1984, when Tish was a skinny, longlegged virgin. Every summer, between swimming at the local pool and sleeping late, there was Church Camp. And like every Church Camp, there is that one devotional set aside for just the girls.

One of the youth ministers passed around a brand new case of Snickers, instructing us to take one bar and do something to it. Some twisted it, others pinched it, and a couple of girls tore off most of wrapper. Before he started his talk, he placed that bar back in the box and then offered each of us a Snickers bar for a snack. What fourteen year old girl refuses chocolate? At the end of his "heavy petting is one step from Hell" sermon, he held up the almost empty Snickers case.

"Look at it this way, girls. You can either save yourselves for your husband, or be like this Snickers bar here." He pointed at the mutilated candy bar. "Sure, each of you did something to it, but when it came time to choose one for yourself, you didn't choose this one, did you? No one wants a used Snicker bar or a woman that's been around."

OH...MY..GOD.

For the next ten years, I couldn't eat or even touch a Snickers bar. Just the thought of the gooey caramel in my mouth cramped my stomach. When a boyfriend ate one in front of me, you can bet the only thing he got from me was the cold shoulder.

At some point, I will have the talk with the Drama Diva and Casper about sex. I won't be one of those mothers that takes her daughter to the doctor for her birth control pill appointment, but I also won't leave it up to someone with a bag of Skittles or Milk Duds to guilt my children into abstinence.

After ten years of marriage and two children, I enjoy a Snickers bar with little to no shame. I don't wonder about the Milky Ways, or the Baby Ruths like other wives do. The allure of a mysterious Mounds or Payday doesn't cross my mind. Maybe that's the tradeoff, not wondering what another 'candy bar' would be like.

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Mimi tagged me to do this, so here goes. Out of the following occupations, I will choose five and finish their sentences:


If I could be a scientist... If I could be a farmer...
If I could be a musician... If I could be a doctor...
If I could be a painter... If I could be a gardener...
If I could be a missionary... If I could be a chef...
If I could be an architect... If I could be a linguist...
If I could be a psychologist... If I could be a librarian...
If I could be an athlete... If I could be a lawyer...
If I could be an innkeeper... If I could be a professor...
If I could be a writer... If I could be a backup dancer...
If I could be a llama-rider... If I could be a bonnie pirate...
If I could be a midget stripper... If I could be a proctologist...
If I could be a TV-Chat Show host... If I could be an actor...
If I could be a judge... If I could be a Jedi...
If I could be a mob boss... If I could be a backup singer...
If I could be a CEO... If I could be a movie reviewer....


If I could be a TV-Chat Show host, I would give Oprah and David Letterman a run for their money by combining comedy and current issues for an hour every day.

If I could be a musician, I would play the piano and sing like Diana Krall, but not marry Elvis Costello, sorry man.

If I could be a backup dancer, I would be on first name basis with Tina Turner. Enough said.

If I could be a lawyer, I'd represent children and women abused by their families.

If I could be a mob boss, I'd have every child molester taken out in the most painful way.

NOW, Genuine, Brandon, Crystal, Joe, and Peachy must do the same.

5 Comments:

  • Why do they traumatize kids like that? I was a church girl as well, and don't remember anything quite like that, but they sure did teach that sex was BAD BAD BAD (to be expected I guess). I went to a Christian college and found it interesting that the Christian girls who got knocked up would be discreetly helped into a quick marriage with nothing more said about it, while the non-Christian girls would be shamed forever and kicked out of school.

    Carrie (queenoframbles)

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 7:46 PM  

  • Traumatized? I don't see it that way. I see it as a practical analogy of real life. As a young girl you can be a "sweet treat" and used up in one sitting or you can be savored for life.

    Maybe I'm one of those naive girls that fell for those morality speeches.

    By Blogger Janette, at 12:55 AM  

  • It's a tough call - the intentions are good but the lectures sometimes leave unintended scars.

    But anybody with kids can appreciate the fact that you need a gimmick to drive home the point, because telling them alone doesn't work!

    By Blogger Shamus O'Drunkahan, at 9:53 AM  

  • I'm not religious.. at all. But, one of my dearest friends is a youth pastor for a Southern Baptist church. I shared your story and we laughed and laughed.

    He said it was a good analogy but certainly not one he'd ever use himself.

    By Blogger Red Clover, at 6:55 PM  

  • I thought you were going to say that he used the snickers bar to show how kissing leads to sex, i.e. you can't stop at one bite. That would have at least been a somewhat better analogy. Speaking as one who ate almost the whole candy bar before marriage, I wish I wouldn't have even unwrapped it at all beforehand. I'm glad I waited to "go all the way" until 28 (even though my husband already had a child and I certainly don't view him as "used up"...especially not since we've had two more!), but I wish I wouldn't have even fooled around physically prior to that, with him or with other guys. I like the analogy of a gift much better than of a candy bar...

    Rambling, but also wanted to say that I am the originator of this meme you answered but so many crazy professions have been added on that I hardly recognize my original post!

    Let me know when you figure out how to link typeblogs.com and I'll be sure to add you. Thanks!

    By Blogger jane, at 11:13 PM  

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