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Tuesday, April 26, 2005

The Seven Dwarfs of PMS

For twenty one to twenty eight days, they hide in the dark recesses of our mind/uteri. Men, co-workers, and children unaware of these ticking timebombs are usually the first innocent victims once these hounds from Hell are unleashed.

Bloaty rears his ugly head on the first day. Jeans that once fit nicely now have zippers refusing to close. Elastic waistbands are tested to their maximum stretch, leaving reddened stripes on the protruding waists and bellies. For centuries, women have battled this particular dwarf with little or no relief until the invention of Midol. And fat pants.



Crampy parks himself deep within a woman's body. His only joy, to elicit groans of pain and discomfort at the most awkward times. For instance, when meeting a new co-worker or potential romantic interests, Crampy likes to double his helpless victim over with excruciating cramps that rival childbirth or food poisoning. Thankfully, Alleve foils Crampy's plan as does three large margaritas with double tequila.


Pooty eeks his way into the atomsphere with a rank, almost funk stank blast. Only during the dwarfs' performance of 5 days can a woman emit such a foul odor and, more embaressing, is the timing of such aromatic interludes. Beano has no effect on Pooty, sorry to say.


Moody, or also known as Psycho, takes every opportunity to inject such comments as "You're lucky I don't have a weapon right now!" or "Don't you love me? SHUT UP!" The erratic behavior of Moody can be seen during any interaction between spouses, mothers and their children in a public place, and at any workplace meeting where comments are requested. There is no stopping Moody other than time...and distance.


Bitchy may look all sweet, but don't turn your back on him. Unlike Moody, Bitchy has no good side. You don't have to read between the lines with Bitchy as he is looking to pick a fight over anything: an unironed shirt, a question asked with the wrong tone, even the purchase of the wrong coffee creamer can ignite Bitchy's wrath. Until there is sublingual Prozac or liquid Zoloft, Bitchy will go uncontrolled until his time ends.

Weepy is always watching life with tears in his eyes. From the commericals that exploit familial bonds to the informercials touting incredible weight loss, Weepy will find a way to sob at any and every moment possible. In extreme cases, Weepy searches the memory files of a woman's mind for the smallest link to a waiter's voice/face so as to remind her and allow him to bawl about a ten year old break-up. The solution to Weepy? A box of Kleenex and dark sunglasses.

NO PIC AVAILABLE for Lazy. He was too tired to shower, dress, and pose for the picture. Lazy whispers the word 'nap' over and over again until the hostage woman is lulled into a trance. Lazy wallows on the couch when there is housework to be done. Lazy would rather drink one day old water from a cup on the nightstand than get up and crack the ice tray. Lazy would battle for supremacy over Bitchy and Moody, but he'd rather curl up on the couch and wait it out.

This information is copyrighted through the Tish PMS Foundation. Any unauthorized reproductions and/or copying will result in all seven dwarfs visiting the violator for five consecutive days.

17 Comments:

  • LMAO!!! Tish, this is fabulous!!

    Moody is my dominant dwarf, and actually controls me most of the month. Followed closely by Lazy, Weepy and Bitchy. My poor, poor family!

    Would you mind if I link to this post in my blog round up this week?

    By Blogger Christine, at 12:14 AM  

  • Hey Tish. I haven't been getting my bloglet updates. You might want to check in and make sure that the feed is going okay.

    By Blogger Rebecca, at 1:01 AM  

  • You should post a warning NOT to read this while drinking coffee, lest one spew it forth while trying to contain one's laughter... OMG! What a hoot!

    By Blogger steelcowboy, at 5:57 AM  

  • Dwarves and Midgets. I can't help it but they make me laugh. It reminds me of an "Odd Couple" episode where Felix was taking a picture of a midget couple and their normal size child. His trick, so as not to insult the little people was to drop something on the floor before shaking their hands. When all was said and done he is about to take the picture and he says, "Ok, everyone smile and say MIDGET!"

    God love the wee folk.

    By Blogger Dumb Poet, at 7:25 AM  

  • Being "lucky" enough to be the father of TWO teenage daughters I have to say, I've met all of these dwarfs!

    You crack me up lady!

    By Blogger The Ugly American, at 7:26 AM  

  • aRE YOU SURE IN THE RIGHT PROFESSION DEAR LADY? I YOU WOULD BE PERFECT ANALYST FOR SUFFERING LADIES...
    ONE TIME I HAD A TERRIBLE HEADACHE AND ONE OF THE GIRLS ASKED IF IT WAS THAT TIME? I SAID WHAT!?
    ANYWAY SHE GAVE A MIDOL AND IT KILLED THE HEADACHE FAST... NOW I HOPE I HAVE NOT GOT TO BUY TAMPAX NEXT TIME I GET HEADACHE...

    By Blogger ikw3804, at 8:48 AM  

  • I have GOT to print this one out and tape it to the bathroom mirror. I think Moody and Weepy are my daughter's tormentors during this time. According to family and friends, Bitchy is mine.

    By Blogger Monica, at 8:58 AM  

  • I loved this post, especially since it backs up some of my previous ones. LOL

    By Blogger FTS, at 1:18 PM  

  • hysterical! Moody, Ugly and weepy come to visit me! The little bastards!

    By Blogger Suzanne, at 5:57 PM  

  • HA!
    Sometimes I worry that weepy and lazy are plotting to move in full time.

    By Blogger Michele, at 6:05 PM  

  • I had to laugh at Pooty (well, I laughed at the whole thing) since it seems so few people are able to talk openly about the joys of period farts. My husband had never heard of them (innocent boy that he is), but is well versed in them now.

    Carrie (queenoframbles)

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 7:46 PM  

  • My wife has a bumper sticker (not on her car, in a frame on the wall) that says "They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken." We've been married 26 years. I know these guys very well.

    Great post.

    By Blogger Carter, at 8:20 PM  

  • What happened to that by-atch with hair as blcak as night and lips as red as the rose?

    I think the dwarfs did her in!!

    By Anonymous mrsg, at 9:03 PM  

  • HAHAHA! These are great. :) I found your blog by way of Noise in the Attic. :)

    By Blogger Michelle Miles, at 10:52 PM  

  • OMG...that was priceless!!

    By Blogger ShoeHound, at 7:16 AM  

  • I also get visits from Pooty's evil cousin, Gassy. He holds Pooty hostage, sending him right into my stomach like a knife.

    Great post! I found you through Mommy Matters...

    By Blogger Finn, at 12:29 PM  

  • LOL! Lazy checked in at my house today!

    By Blogger Sooz, at 3:44 PM  

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