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Thursday, April 14, 2005

Stink, Stank, or Funk Stank???

Maybe you aren't aware of the new federal regulations regarding foul odors. I think the legislation was sandwiched between a new tax on liposuction and cosmetic surgery, but I feel it is my civic duty to enlighten everyone to the new offensive aroma guidelines.

Image hosted by Photobucket.comThe Stink level: Normal flatulence, smelly socks, and one day old tuna fish salad are good examples of this category. There is no damage to the limbic system at this level. Children's growth will not be stunted nor will any adult's fertility be in danger while exposed to this level of STINK. Normal cleaning and/or airing out of the confined space is suffient to de-stink the area.

Image hosted by Photobucket.comImage hosted by Photobucket.com The Stank level: This goes beyond the Stink level in that actual nausea can occur from three day old guacamole, dirty diapers filled with any meat and vegetable combination, and the infamous 'fart' from exposure to dairy and Chinese food at one sitting. For complete detamination, the FDA and EPA recommend dousing an adult with Febreeze or any Bath and body works Spray. Children will require a spongebath and application of Baby Lotion to rid the skin of remnant STANK. Studies are conflicting but it appears STANK can affect a man's ability to procreate.

Image hosted by Photobucket.comImage hosted by Photobucket.comImage hosted by Photobucket.com The Funk Stank level: This is the most dangerous of all levels. Paint will peel from the walls. Children's height is stunted with any exposure over thirty seconds. Ovaries have shrunk at one minute and ovulation is completely halted. FUNK STANK is to be avoided at all costs for any human being or beloved pets. Dogs at two minutes of exposure have been known to lose all hair and three tails have spontaneously fallen off.
Avoid the following - any person not wearing underwear for three or more days, a house filled with cats and only one litter box, the underarms of a sweaty Sumo wrestler, worn girdles of any woman over the age of forty, the bathroom after an adult male has eaten pork rinds and Coors light, and anyone that has recently eaten at the Cracker Barrel.

We here at the Anti-Stank foundation hope that this information will assist you in making responsible decisions when it comes to exposing yourself or loved ones to potential life threatening aromas.

5 Comments:

  • This is PRICELESS! I'm emailing it to all my stinky friends!

    By Blogger kenju, at 4:58 PM  

  • I'm still laughing. Don't stop. BTW - thanx for the visit I appreciated the comment.

    By Blogger void, at 5:04 PM  

  • I am a proud member of the Anti-Stank Foundation Friends for 2 years now - this is a branch of the organization specializing in helping co-dependants of members of the Stank Level. I love the boyfriend despite the occasional fester. You are priceless, girlie.

    By Blogger ClaudBLOG, at 12:52 AM  

  • HAHA! I get the STINK level when I eat eggs. That's why I try to keep VEGAN!

    By Blogger mrsmogul, at 10:05 AM  

  • Blog Patrol here...

    Once while walking down the street this black kid was stopped on his bicycle, he was about 7 or 8 and I said, "what's up buddy?" and he looked at me like I was crazy and said, "Man, YO BREF IS STANK!"

    I was so shocked I didn't know what to do, I just headed immediately to the store for a "Bref" mint.

    The BP says yo site is Blogalicious! Superb writing, humore, and nice site design, no need for any citations here, if anything, you are in favor of a few blog bonus stars!

    Keep On Bloggin'!

    By Blogger Eddo, at 1:21 PM  

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