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Monday, April 18, 2005

To All Who Aspire to be a Team Mom,

Team Mom is an awesome responsibility not to be taken lightly. For every one Team Mom that is successful, there are three cowering, chocolate gorging women raving about uniforms, water bottles, and horrible officiating.

For your safety and sanity, we here at the Tish Team Mom Foundation have outlined some suggestions that should assist in your transition from Player Mom to Team Mom. Please note these are not hard and fast rules, but rather guidelines that can be adapted to your particular situation and sport.

1) Team Moms must wear the Team Mom shirt. Players' mothers may choose to attend the t-ball/softball/soccer/basketball games in high heels and hot pants, but you have an image to protect. Do not worry about their spotless capri pants and perfectly pressed blouses, for you are wearing the heart and accompanying dirt of your girls' dreams. And those mothers that opt to wear Daisy Duke shorts are not only shameful, but will pay for their lack of sunscreen the next day so do not despair.

2) Team Moms must protect the dugout/bench.Ladies, this is your domain. In the animal kingdom, urinating around one's territory is considered acceptable but is frowned upon by the Tish Team Mom Foundation. If an intruder attempts to invade your team's area, take the one-two approach: one hand on the hip, two fingers pointing at them. Use your friendly but stern voice as you aske them to leave. If this doesn't work, break down into a three point stance: both hands on your hips, chin jutted forward. Almost every child and parent will back away without incident when faced with an angry Team Mom. In the back of the Team Mom handbook, you will find a troubleshooting guide to assist with the more difficult parents/children so we will not cover that area here.

3) Team Moms should invest in a mild tranquilizer. You will find that after a long day of tournament play, rest and relaxation is a must between games. For those bothersome parents, feel free to slip one or two doses into their Gatorade, but only in the most extreme cases.

4) Team Moms should not distract the other coaches with cheering. Since your voices will carry further than the three benchwarmers, screaming "GET HER OUT, OUT, OUT!" isn't sportsmanlike conduct (but does work well).

5) Team Moms cannot teach umpires how to count.

6) Team Moms should not offer discipline techniques to the team mothers. Smart mouth children, inattentive children, and stubborn children may benefit from your wisdom, but remember, they are only yours in the dugout. You cannot cure the seven year old thumbsucker, the eight year old booger eater, or the potty mouth nine year old. Breathe, smile, and remember, all games must come to an end.

7) Team Moms should only offer rides to and from practice for other children IF she is a taxi driver. The word NO must become a part of your standard reply, not only to your children at home, but to the parents that will foist their demon offspring into your vehicle for endless transportation purposes.

8) Team Moms can and will override the coaches when practice runs over the alloted time. You are the only thing that protects the children from seven day a week practices, late night practices, and meaningless parent meetings. Use your power wisely.

We hope that your experience as Team Mom is as memorable for you as it has been for us. At the end of the season, you will be able to display this token with pride:

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  • That was hysterical and SUCH a trip down memory lane!! I remember the organizing/the phone calls/the team party at the end of the season and not least-snacks after the game. I mean, come on, how hard is it to put together some Capri Suns and twinkies for some ball players? You'd think I was trying to get named in their wills or something.
    Great post!

    By Blogger Monica, at 8:43 AM  

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